Countdown Till The Wedding

    I cannot believe my son will be married next week.  It all seems very surreal still.  I can't figure out if I am in shock of how quickly this went by.  Almost 27 - my man!  It only seems like the other day and I was baking cupcakes every Friday for football dinners.....then I blinked!
    I have so many mixed feelings still - like it was all too quick and   I am still trying to "catch up."  Some attitudes are still WEIrd and troubling me.  Sammy isn't anywhere near as  excited as I thought she would be and I don't understand why - other than I know she feels Ann doesn't "share" her brother and thinks that she will see him even less when he's is married.  Mike has been wonderful and supportive - I love him so much for that, he really IS my rock.  And I am grateful.  It all begins next Thursday!  I don't know if there is something I should be doing or not??  I am anxious.....

I'm still alive.......

I wasn't sure I would see this day so soon. Well I actually have been waiting a long time....but never say "die." This whole wedding event, shenanigans etc....has sent me over the edge. I never see my son or even get the privilege of talking to him one on one - always a third party in the background. After the shower I was convinced things had changed for good. Mummy saying 'we've lost our boy" certainly has not helped my ever increasing depression. I have so much to say and I've waited so long. I should never have stopped writing because I truly believe that it is cathartic to write it down and rid ones self of negative or painful feelings. Although I have still felt very weepy today, I really do feel better. I feel like so,me of my issues have been resolved and that I have actually been "heard" by Tyler. I refuse to feel like I am being selfish in wanting to maintain a separate relationship with my son. I want our very few moments just together without him attempting to make TWO women happy at the same time. There is absolutely no comparison or competition between her and I. I am his mother of almost 27 years and she is his wife to be of almost 2 years......big difference and absolutely no comparison. I am so proud of his work ethic, his loyalty to Ann and what a self-sufficient man that he has become. And yes, it has come from within himself but I do feel like I had a part in the development of some of it. I don't want a "thanks" or anything of that nature what I really long for is at least an hour a month of just "mother and son."

I also want to say how grateful for the friends that I have in my life. Without Hope I would be lost - hopeless!! Hope never stops giving or being there - one of the most incredible friends I have had in my lifetime. I want to thank JoJo for our online back and forths and for allowing me to call her and talk as if I had seen her yesterday. She was special 30+ years ago - I knew.....and she still is.

I want to have faith in humanity to believe. I MUST have faith in myself too.............