Still Plodding Along

All in all my meds are doing a good job.  Not to say that all is perfect, it isn't.  The increase in Neurontin has given my mouth the trembles and makes my eyes flutter when looking at something up close.  These are small things, but bothersome nonetheless!  I just can't seem to find a benzo other than Xanax that really, really helps with my anxiety and I am running out of options.  I've only had 3 "down" days in the past month or two so I think I need to be grateful and I am.  My therapy has maintained at once a week which still feels rather intensive and there are times I simply have nothing of worth to say.  I'm definitely still not over the loss of a long term friendship and doubt whether I will ever trust and be vulnerable with another woman again.  It has been one of the most painful experiences and biggest losses of my life.  If only we could turn back the clock and make things right again but I have to believe there is some type of lesson to be learned here, I just haven't figured out what.  I'm learning to share and vent on Twitter which seems like a good release for me even though I am limited to very few words.  Bipolar Us is a great one to follow, if only to feel like there are others that I can relate to, be it very random. 

On a bright note, I just won tickets tonight to see Garbage at the 9:30 Club on my 16th Anniversary and I am psyched!  Love my some Shirley Manson and used to play "Stupid Girl" all the time when I was hating on myself.

I've still got Eleuthera on my mind.  Feel like part of my dream has been stolen.  Am trying to decide now if I will return or make my next trip to Exuma!  Lutra was spoiled in so many ways for me that I still feel "robbed" of my childhood dream.  Sooner or later that too shall pass.

Today I am grateful to be alive, alert, aloft n a'ight :)  Blogging is good.  Santorini looks good too.

Today my thoughts go out to a friend from HS (way back) who is in the hospital in a coma.  May she find her way back!

Jitter-bug

So all my new meds seem to be working.  I'm not all the way off the couch but I am actually participating in my so called life.  So why am I still anxious?  I've rid myself of caffeine or any other drug but still feel like a jitter-bug..... and still that anxiety continues to creep in and crawl all over me!  Am I anxious about being on the couch today?  Am I anxious cause Ma's coming down?  Am I anxious about pulling out of the driveway?  Who the fuck knows?  Having gone and re-gone all the above at therapy, I am left wondering what the hell could be causing these jitters.  Could be my meds I guess.  The troubling answer is no one really knows!  I'm left second guessing myself all the time.  I know I have some commitments but they would be minuscule to any outsider.  Maybe even the slightest pressure triggers these jitters it's really hard to figure out.  The option of living alone and having nobody relying on me and nothing awaiting that is crucial that I do - isn't!!  So I have to come to terms with my already low commitment lifestyle and try and figure this out so I am not benzo so reliant for the rest of my life.  These answers seem to only be able to come from me! (Omg what a burden and worry).  My new resolution is to rid myself of the jitter-bugs,  hopefully the resolve lies somewhere between here and Timbuktu!  I will not hold my breath at this time.

DECEPTION

  Yep, comes in many forms.  Yet it always blindsides you and your always shaken.  It's head shakin' time, are you that blind or out of tune?   Even with your own family, let alone close friends.  I have yet to learn that most people put themselves first and seldom deviate, at my age it's embarrassing.  When you are deceived by your own family, young or old, little lie or big one it still cuts you to the quick.  I think sometimes you expect it from friends.  Why would their undying loyalty lie with you?  Either way hurts to the core.  I am experiencing this and trying to understand it..  I am always thankful for the family and friends I can wholeheartedly rely on.

  I am thankful for my new NP Psych, she stepped up when no other professional would.  So far meds are working well and feeling better than before, again time will tell and baby steps work for me.  Such a reversal as a real psychiatrist said I was "too much trouble to work with."  Upswing. I feel a little faith.

  Friends, do they hurt on purpose? Is it subconsciously and they should be more careful in their ways?  Certain names and people still don't sit well and you ought to be more sensitive to that and know better by now.  Paybacks aren't for me but, I may have to rethink some upcoming events.  You have no problem changing coats.

  Even though I am the only reader, I feel way better. 

Like Water off a Duck's Back

When someone lets you down or says something hurtful it is magnified times ten.  Words and actions are taken personally and to heart.  You know you need to take a step back and think carefully before you act irrationally.  The first instinct is to lash out or take the opposite approach and retreat into yourself and allow whatever happened to affect you deeply.   Learning to remove yourself is a tremendous feat.  As per, you blame yourself and react before you have time to get details or talk it out.  This can be mistaken as a meltdown or acting immaturely.  You KNOW this but at that moment you are not able to react appropriately.  Remove yourself, extract yourself or just calm yourself.  Do not think about what others are thinking, for once think about YOU!  

Do you wonder when or if this behavior will ever end allowing you to brush things off like your peers?

Your "Old Self"

"So how are your new meds working?"  "When do you think you will be back to you old self?"   Ahhhh questions with no specific answers.  I feel some improvement with my new meds, some good and some not so good side effects.  Sometimes I sleep too much sometimes not enough.  I don't really recall my "old self" as my struggle has been going on for so long that I only recall moments of laughter and much, much less anxiety in my life.  To have to sit and really try to recall my old self can be depressing and disheartening.  If anyone is waiting for my "old self" to reappear then you may be waiting a long time.  After struggling for over ten years with crippling issues I sadly don't recall my old self, I only think of moving on to a mentally better self.  Don't let others' words affect you deeply, it can be confusing and saddening to try to recall who you were 20 years ago.  Maybe you have just evolved into something different.

At the end of the day I feel myself and I are just plodding along the best we can and are happy with any positive results.

Does it really matter how you were or is it better to think of what you are becoming?

Just Beginning........Again

Attempting to create a new blog on my IPad has proved itself harder than on the standard computer! Am so frustrated need to take a "time out!" 

 The smallest of things can trigger the mood for the day.  It may seem petty to others but it can be a huge obstacle in your head for the whole day!  Explaining this to those around you on a regular basis feels vulnerable and somewhat impossible.  Then the anxiety is allowed to creep in until the problem is resolved.  Trouble being you don't want to bring up the bad from the beginning of the day at the end of the day.....

Calming ones self without a benzo for immediate relief  can be a huge new challenge.  I have just been given Vistaril for anxiety and have yet to feel any effect other than tiredness.  Letting go of my of my Xanax is like losing a best friend.  It makes me angry at the world that I can't stay on them long term.  I figure why else does the drug company make them?    Even though I am repeatedly told that long-term use is not a good thing.  I'm pissed at the events of the day and angry at those who are able to have a drink to relieve their tension.  I know this too shall pass but, meanwhile.......

Is trusting the professional in charge of your medication supposed to be this difficult or am I jaded?

Obsessive Thinking - Mind Over Matter?

Is there ever going to be a day that I won't be obsessing over something in my mind?  It doesn't matter if it's big or small it will go round and round my mind and continually come to the forefront.  Even the most trivial matter will turn into something that I continually think about and mostly with no resolve.  Is there such a thing as "peace" in the mind?  Does your brain ever stop talking?  I often wish I was the type of person that let things roll off my back.  I'm not!  Just one word or statement in a conversation will stay with me for days and days and I will replay that scenario until I hopefully come to some type of resolve.  This can be absolutely exhausting and cripple you from moving forward.

  If you don't have the type of mind that replays does that mean you are always at peace with yourself?  Just wondering.......

I'm back.....

Wow, long time no write!  I'm back, back in the saddle again.... well so to speak.  Have had the urge to write but on paper instead.  Apparently not much has changed as i look at the previous post, still the same - you are not going, am booked for May 3rd,  boo yah as Big T would say.  

Oh yeah, I'm A GRANDPARENT!  Another wow factor in my life.  Truly feels like a full circle, and everything is complete other than my finale.  The kids are tired, sleep deprived, sickly, shut in and now they "get it" yep - ground control to Major Tom we have arrived!  Perhaps we can now relate to certain issues, ah parenting!

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Friends, think I could do a whole posting on friendship.  Some have gone, some have stayed, some have come back, some are on the peripherals.  This is particularly hard at this stage of the game.  Huge changes are difficult for me, loss = devastation and it's all basically overwhelming.  More later.

So it will be back to Eleuthera time again.  May 3rd and yes I am counting down the days.  Hubs in denial, guess I am still not allowed but I so get it.  Just wish this could be transmitted!  So for now will just move forward and can't wait to re-start our old blog all about our trips which are in themselves a "trip."

Just a quick post to get used to my new IPad keyboard and writing freely again.  BRB!!

U R trippin'.......almost!

My "Gobsmaked Me" moment of the effin year came yesterday when my husband stated....(out of the blue I might add) "you're not going to Eleuthera next year, just so you know........"

Wait a minute, yep I still have a "Dad" saw him on Easter Sunday, so what was that garbage that just spewed out of your mouth???  Oh, hahahha that's right, all of a sudden, at 50, "someone" is going to start telling me what I can and cannot do with my fairly feeble, frugal, and somewhat mundane life that has for the last ten years included LOTS of unwanted and kick me in the ass illnesses?!?!  My slippah's may just end up staying on the beach next year after I arrive via one-way ticket and park my skinny ass on Dad's rocky lot in Rainbow Bay, if there's no HOA come that time - then I'm getting me an Airstream - yea like Lenny - or perhaps a steel shipping container to two - lol!  Outdoor shower and loo, small propane cook top for my coffee and a wood outdoor grill for my fish.  FY.

Countdown Till The Wedding

    I cannot believe my son will be married next week.  It all seems very surreal still.  I can't figure out if I am in shock of how quickly this went by.  Almost 27 - my man!  It only seems like the other day and I was baking cupcakes every Friday for football dinners.....then I blinked!
    I have so many mixed feelings still - like it was all too quick and   I am still trying to "catch up."  Some attitudes are still WEIrd and troubling me.  Sammy isn't anywhere near as  excited as I thought she would be and I don't understand why - other than I know she feels Ann doesn't "share" her brother and thinks that she will see him even less when he's is married.  Mike has been wonderful and supportive - I love him so much for that, he really IS my rock.  And I am grateful.  It all begins next Thursday!  I don't know if there is something I should be doing or not??  I am anxious.....

I'm still alive.......

I wasn't sure I would see this day so soon. Well I actually have been waiting a long time....but never say "die." This whole wedding event, shenanigans etc....has sent me over the edge. I never see my son or even get the privilege of talking to him one on one - always a third party in the background. After the shower I was convinced things had changed for good. Mummy saying 'we've lost our boy" certainly has not helped my ever increasing depression. I have so much to say and I've waited so long. I should never have stopped writing because I truly believe that it is cathartic to write it down and rid ones self of negative or painful feelings. Although I have still felt very weepy today, I really do feel better. I feel like so,me of my issues have been resolved and that I have actually been "heard" by Tyler. I refuse to feel like I am being selfish in wanting to maintain a separate relationship with my son. I want our very few moments just together without him attempting to make TWO women happy at the same time. There is absolutely no comparison or competition between her and I. I am his mother of almost 27 years and she is his wife to be of almost 2 years......big difference and absolutely no comparison. I am so proud of his work ethic, his loyalty to Ann and what a self-sufficient man that he has become. And yes, it has come from within himself but I do feel like I had a part in the development of some of it. I don't want a "thanks" or anything of that nature what I really long for is at least an hour a month of just "mother and son."

I also want to say how grateful for the friends that I have in my life. Without Hope I would be lost - hopeless!! Hope never stops giving or being there - one of the most incredible friends I have had in my lifetime. I want to thank JoJo for our online back and forths and for allowing me to call her and talk as if I had seen her yesterday. She was special 30+ years ago - I knew.....and she still is.

I want to have faith in humanity to believe. I MUST have faith in myself too.............

Shitty weather and all that goes with it.......

So it's bloody pissing down again....no surprise there. Will we ever get the concrete poured out back? Oh, Oh, Oh, my biggest "surprise" of the day was a Twitter email about a certain somebody FOLLOWing me.....more like stalking! The charming (NOT), ultra christian woman we rented our last place from in Eleuthera. WOW. Now why the fuck would she be interested in what I TWEET about? Good question. Her last email was so nasty and full of venom that I blocked her email from future "nasties". If there is one thing I CANNOT do - it's BITCHY! As I kindly told my 10 yr. old today - Mommy doesn't DO BITCHY. Take it somewhere else - anywhere but here. YUCKY! So, back to the oh so christian cyber stalker ......hmmm! My guess is she is trying to find a link to my beach blog so she makes sure we don't slam her for her lack of honesty on her rental! Just because YOU make the choice to not cash the balance of your fee does not mean you can't receive negative feedback. Think Ebay :) If you find this and read it - well that's just bloody great! Knock yourself out. HOLLA!!

Writing on a blog has begun to make me feel vulnerable. Self-expoitation? If I need to vent why don't I do it privately in a diary? What AM I doing here? I am surely confused.......

In Sickness And In Health

My stomach is a mess again. Oi vey! Having to revisit the "oscopy" place again really sucks big time. Having to pay almost a $1,000 really sucks too. Health Insurance is pitiful these days - but can you really put a price tag on your health? I think not, it's like revisiting the dental dilemma again.....not many options available. To add insult to injury my insurance didn't pay for my "MoViPrep", $70 to cleanse out the bowels...lordy, lordy! One of the worse parts has to be the waiting....so many things go thru your mind. Cancer, colon resection, death. Morose huh! Part of me says "Yes, I can do this" and the other part wants to give up and say "puhhhlease let this all be over as soon as possible, I am done."

Well I will find out on Friday what my innards look like, that is good. Having found Dr. Hejab is a huge relief - beyond any one's imagination. I am grateful. For small things right now. The prep absolutely sucks - and every time I swear I will not got thru that again......If fact the whole colonoscopy thing feels demoralizing, depressing and dreadful. I guess it could be so much worse...

OKie DokIe, all looks pretty healthy! The small bowel isn't looking as good as the rest but expected that. Good news I do not have anything life threatening going on in the intestines...bad news? Not my "mystery diagnosis" doctor! We will get to the "bottom" of it so to speak! The belladonna is doing wonders for my bloating and pain. I am hopeful once again.

With all the heath insurance madness going on.....let me just add that it is a mess. Blood work from LabC*** $1696.00 WTF is that all about?? You have got to be bloody kidding me - if your weren't sick before, these kind of bills will surely make you sick. Since when does a country make a profit off of sick people?

Addicted to..............

OMG! Yep, I'm back to the poker. I missed her so much - I didn't even realize it. First Mixed Holdem Tourney and I placed 2nd out of 2766 - uh?! HOLLA!!!

*Am going tomorrow to get tickets for No Doubt!! Oh, Sammy is going to be so, so very excited!! I hope Lauren is too...We will have so much fun! Must check on camera thingy, pretty sure it's no cameras. Can do photo op in parking lot. Nice end of school treat. Verrrry nice!

*Sam is going to beach with Steffi.......more on that later.
*I have to go lie down - tomorrow is my first early morning in a long time. Must get in the bed in order to hear the alarm. Doh! Almost 2AM....rot row.
I am going to get back to my story one day. Wonder if I should just start that offline in notebook or something?
Must make appointment at Lowe's for kitchen remodel.....

NEXT DAY
Well I made it to bed around 2:30 ishhhh. Not really good enough but I did manage to get up - Sam only had to yell "MOM" twice. My bad. I knew I had to wake my sorry ass up as my "you got it for next to nothing?" implant crown had fallen out and I had to get it "glued" back on. Fuck.

OK. So RR Dentists say they have temporary glue at CVS?? What the fuck is that all about? Yeah, I think NOT! Y'all better squeeze me back in and put this $930 crown where it belongs!! I'm PERImenopausal so back OFF.

Mother's Day, Another Day

Mother's Day, ah yes.....all those pictures of mom at the spa, mom getting a massage, mom at champagne brunch, blah blah blah! Yep, Mother's Day is a work day at our place. DON'T get me wrong, I so don't want to wait in line with masses for lunch. I did get to go out to Bonefish for a bite on Friday nite = and it was sooooo yummy. The Bang Bang shrimp were "to die for" (until Tyler told me the sauce was primarily made with mayo....uck). Tyler showed up with some Taco Bell burritos....no card, no flowers, BURRITOS - my ass had only been up for few hours. He then got Daddy to stop finishing the wall to help him change his oil cause he couldn't remember exactly how the Jack worked?? Wait.....back to Tyler's truck.

Tyler bought the wrong oil! Back to the store they tootled, good excuse for a beer run:{ Then Mike helped Tyler and then got back to work on "just another brick in the wall." Tyler then borrowed our truck to go and pick up a king bed he had acquired....I did decline the ride-along, mostly out of fear of having to lift something heavy! Should have gone along just to make sure he put a few dollars in the gas tank - no such luck. Weeded, raked, power washed, gave Mike more "moral wall support." Then I had to clean up and get my arse inside to prep dinner. Luckily I had marinated the chicken the night before. Tyler decided he wasn't that hungry yet so I loaded him up with some hot dogs and uncooked pasta salad and kissed the back of his head........bbb bye :)

Sammy was running around like a banshee, till we caught her and Steffi with the "toads" - which they had sneakily tried to put some nail polish on in order to identify them?!??!? WTF???? Oh, she was so in trouble! Yeah, not a turtle shell - can you say porous? After a big telling off, Steffi scurried home and Sam skulked inside to try and wash the red off her hands. Mommy was MAD!! Mike got the grill ready.......well he thought he had a full tank of propane - somewhere?? Back to the basics.....charcoal. The chicken eventually got cooked (as did Mike). Sat down with Sammy to eat and watch the Amazing Race finale! Happy Mother's Day......................

Bittersweet Homecoming.....and more

Coming home from vacation is always bittersweet. When you are nearing the end of your time away you trick yourself into thinking that you are in actual fact ready to go home. Wrong, it's fucking denial. In your heart of hearts you know it will be EXACTLY the same as when you left. More stacked laundry, missed because nobody bothered to "restock" the groceries. What vacuum cleaner? I am supposing one should be grateful at this point that one is missed in any shape or form? Mid-life crisis is looking like the big answer right now, combined perhaps with my ever growing fear/hatred of being cold! It didn't help being the "are you Hope's mom" friend (although there is a compliment in there!!) It's kinda like the "are you expecting" thing....so not an upper when you are my age. Next vacation, I want some peeps my age, even older would be good:) Yes, definitely mid-life crisis, perimenopausal signs....Let me just throw in a quick "thanks" to the powers that be for giving me my second period in a month the day after I arrived at the beach. Who DOESN'T know that blood attracts sharks eh? WTF? Things I was really aware of this time around was the lack of medical facilities....more paranoia! What I would like more than anything would be to live ANYWHERE on the beach. For now I will settle for the pool and be grateful. Mom is coming over tomorrow, she reminded me twice that she guessed I would NOT be driving up there anytime soon. I can't. I know I need to go to bed so I can get up and see if it's pouring down in biblical proportions still, that's the deciding factor for mom coming or not. Why do I feel like an intervention is around the corner every time mom says she is coming over? It's weird, more paranoia. Elvina's was so much fun. I really miss dancing. I really miss drinking and dancing. I miss partying like it's 1999. Coconut rum and cranberry juice - it's real good! That would be good frozen too. I don't miss hangovers. I will stick to just dancing. Hope is fun to dance with. Hope is even more fun to drink with. She was talking to me in this picture and the next minute she was asleep. I was a good friend and left her on the couch cause she looked so peaceful. I want my own conga's now. I like playing the conga's. Playing the conga's is surely good exercise. I am going to look for conga's at the pawn shop or ebay. I miss my loud music stereo system. When we finish the basement I will be too old to enjoy loud music. Surely. I applied for another job on Elance. No response. I think I am to familiar in my proposal responses. Or honest. Not worth the paranoia. I smoked less ciggies on vacation. I walked alot on vacation. I like that. I could look for shells everyday. No problem. I could eat fish everyday. But a little bacon is always nice.

And they're off..............

As you can see by the countdown clock - we are almost there! Neither Hope nor I have packed yet, we would rather stress ourselves out and wait till the very last minute. I keep doing a rather pointless "mind list" - so reluctant to write it down. I think I have given myself a "funny tummy" and I can't figure out why? Is it because I haven't actually written a list? I washed my snorkel with bleach - does that count towards anything? Still haven't braved the bowels of the basement to search for the fins and mask......I have actually "pictured" all of my stuff in my suitcase - visualization is good right? Of course I have lots of last minute running around to do! Some groceries for the household before I leave, another carton of ciggies, last minute sewing....Hope don't even ask about the top! Will show you when I see you - maybe I can start working on that when I get back for NEXT year! Going to take some more immodium and keep my fingers crossed. Am thinking about my Last Will and Testament before I go - I'm just saying....you know in case something happens and I get eaten on the coral reef - you never know. Oh fuck, I really need to write a list. I wonder is there is bug spray in travel size? Eleuthera - here we come!

Easter in a Holler!

So we made the pilgrimage up to Ma & Pa's....yeah, yeah, yeah, I know - GET OVER IT! Such a hike to the Shenandoah Valley, pretty, but a hike! Sammy was already up there but Tyler wanted a ride AND a pickup! Ok, it was on the way so no problem, we just have a few issues about leaving our house in a timely manner (it's not me). However, my bright spark partner purchased a nice pickup truck with the teeny tiny backseat....so of course who got to ride in the "jump seat?" - yeah, short people get shafted. I sat sideways with my knees bouncing off my fat belly, trying to smoke out of that little back window aaahhhhh. As soon as we arrived, my beloved son made loud note of the fact that we arrived at 11:23 instead of ETA of 11:00. Hello, Eta!! No worries mon, we rollin'. Made Dad leave his station in the kitchen to come outside for the unveiling of the Big 50th Present (surprise no more - Sammy already told everyone it was a tree - Thanxs Sam?!?) Dad did a quick Dr. Jekyll and said "you better not have bought that - mean tone included", HA - what? Since when do we "BUY" presents? Jesus Y Maria.....y'all should know us better! The second most coveted Japanese Maple couldn't have found a better home, phew - I am so off the second born shit list. Dad was happy, Mom even acquiesced about the tree placement....I know what you're thinking so stop it! Dad was even happier that he didn't have to dig the hole for it and Tyler couldn't dig because it was making dirt enter his Crocs and he wasn't prepared to do yard work. Now that's funny! He got to lift instead and then complained because he left his wine on the deck.....Nana says he did just come off a 24+ hr. shift at the VFD and he looked tired - wah wah. All's good in the garden, Dad is busy in the kitchen, Sam is jumping around trying to get ANYone's attention and we finally got Sharon and her quite senior Mom settled. Tyler was opening another bottle of "Nora", great excuse to open more wine, totally takes away from the fact that he's opening ANOTHER bottle of wine. Mike comes in sweating and Dad asks him if he wants a shower?! No, he wants a fucking beer and he's only allowed ONE......he's pacing himself. A wee bit of socializing and foods ready! I am starving for a change - it was only 2:00! Everything was yummy, no serious faux pas at the table, Easter is on the upswing, Spring has Sprung:) I did start to tell everyone Sissy's itinerary but mom Sshushed me for some reason.........they just can't seem to get their heads around the Ashram and the detoxing, they both beat the psych ward or rehab! After all our smokie breaks, we moseyed upstairs to join in the Wii bowling. Lots of excitement, and Sharon's 88 year old mother was giving us all a run for our money! (If I'd known I was up against the Senior Home Wii champ, I might of put a little bit of a spin on it!) We finished up, everyone wanted to get on the road and for us that can take at least 1/2 hour! All was good, nobody fell over, no one was slurring or stumbling - Holla! Good day for all. Now a few xanax and the IPOD for the "holy effin jump seat" ride back home - on a full belly!

Taco Bell on my nerves

This is the third time I have been to Taco Bell to get Sam her beloved bean burrito with no onions and..............it had fuckin onions on it again. When will I learn to check the burrito before I leave the parking lot?? Confirmed the no onions three times no less. I was spittin nails. Called and have whatever we want next visit FREE! And so it should be. Sam asked all day for a burrito. OHHHH, I am so annoyed. I love the guy on the phone tho....did you want to drive back? Like I am gonna go all the way back to Taco Bell for a 99cent burrito?!?!? WTF
OK, maybe I am a wee bit irritable today. Time for "mother's little helper."