Still Plodding Along

All in all my meds are doing a good job.  Not to say that all is perfect, it isn't.  The increase in Neurontin has given my mouth the trembles and makes my eyes flutter when looking at something up close.  These are small things, but bothersome nonetheless!  I just can't seem to find a benzo other than Xanax that really, really helps with my anxiety and I am running out of options.  I've only had 3 "down" days in the past month or two so I think I need to be grateful and I am.  My therapy has maintained at once a week which still feels rather intensive and there are times I simply have nothing of worth to say.  I'm definitely still not over the loss of a long term friendship and doubt whether I will ever trust and be vulnerable with another woman again.  It has been one of the most painful experiences and biggest losses of my life.  If only we could turn back the clock and make things right again but I have to believe there is some type of lesson to be learned here, I just haven't figured out what.  I'm learning to share and vent on Twitter which seems like a good release for me even though I am limited to very few words.  Bipolar Us is a great one to follow, if only to feel like there are others that I can relate to, be it very random. 

On a bright note, I just won tickets tonight to see Garbage at the 9:30 Club on my 16th Anniversary and I am psyched!  Love my some Shirley Manson and used to play "Stupid Girl" all the time when I was hating on myself.

I've still got Eleuthera on my mind.  Feel like part of my dream has been stolen.  Am trying to decide now if I will return or make my next trip to Exuma!  Lutra was spoiled in so many ways for me that I still feel "robbed" of my childhood dream.  Sooner or later that too shall pass.

Today I am grateful to be alive, alert, aloft n a'ight :)  Blogging is good.  Santorini looks good too.

Today my thoughts go out to a friend from HS (way back) who is in the hospital in a coma.  May she find her way back!

Jitter-bug

So all my new meds seem to be working.  I'm not all the way off the couch but I am actually participating in my so called life.  So why am I still anxious?  I've rid myself of caffeine or any other drug but still feel like a jitter-bug..... and still that anxiety continues to creep in and crawl all over me!  Am I anxious about being on the couch today?  Am I anxious cause Ma's coming down?  Am I anxious about pulling out of the driveway?  Who the fuck knows?  Having gone and re-gone all the above at therapy, I am left wondering what the hell could be causing these jitters.  Could be my meds I guess.  The troubling answer is no one really knows!  I'm left second guessing myself all the time.  I know I have some commitments but they would be minuscule to any outsider.  Maybe even the slightest pressure triggers these jitters it's really hard to figure out.  The option of living alone and having nobody relying on me and nothing awaiting that is crucial that I do - isn't!!  So I have to come to terms with my already low commitment lifestyle and try and figure this out so I am not benzo so reliant for the rest of my life.  These answers seem to only be able to come from me! (Omg what a burden and worry).  My new resolution is to rid myself of the jitter-bugs,  hopefully the resolve lies somewhere between here and Timbuktu!  I will not hold my breath at this time.

DECEPTION

  Yep, comes in many forms.  Yet it always blindsides you and your always shaken.  It's head shakin' time, are you that blind or out of tune?   Even with your own family, let alone close friends.  I have yet to learn that most people put themselves first and seldom deviate, at my age it's embarrassing.  When you are deceived by your own family, young or old, little lie or big one it still cuts you to the quick.  I think sometimes you expect it from friends.  Why would their undying loyalty lie with you?  Either way hurts to the core.  I am experiencing this and trying to understand it..  I am always thankful for the family and friends I can wholeheartedly rely on.

  I am thankful for my new NP Psych, she stepped up when no other professional would.  So far meds are working well and feeling better than before, again time will tell and baby steps work for me.  Such a reversal as a real psychiatrist said I was "too much trouble to work with."  Upswing. I feel a little faith.

  Friends, do they hurt on purpose? Is it subconsciously and they should be more careful in their ways?  Certain names and people still don't sit well and you ought to be more sensitive to that and know better by now.  Paybacks aren't for me but, I may have to rethink some upcoming events.  You have no problem changing coats.

  Even though I am the only reader, I feel way better. 

Like Water off a Duck's Back

When someone lets you down or says something hurtful it is magnified times ten.  Words and actions are taken personally and to heart.  You know you need to take a step back and think carefully before you act irrationally.  The first instinct is to lash out or take the opposite approach and retreat into yourself and allow whatever happened to affect you deeply.   Learning to remove yourself is a tremendous feat.  As per, you blame yourself and react before you have time to get details or talk it out.  This can be mistaken as a meltdown or acting immaturely.  You KNOW this but at that moment you are not able to react appropriately.  Remove yourself, extract yourself or just calm yourself.  Do not think about what others are thinking, for once think about YOU!  

Do you wonder when or if this behavior will ever end allowing you to brush things off like your peers?

Your "Old Self"

"So how are your new meds working?"  "When do you think you will be back to you old self?"   Ahhhh questions with no specific answers.  I feel some improvement with my new meds, some good and some not so good side effects.  Sometimes I sleep too much sometimes not enough.  I don't really recall my "old self" as my struggle has been going on for so long that I only recall moments of laughter and much, much less anxiety in my life.  To have to sit and really try to recall my old self can be depressing and disheartening.  If anyone is waiting for my "old self" to reappear then you may be waiting a long time.  After struggling for over ten years with crippling issues I sadly don't recall my old self, I only think of moving on to a mentally better self.  Don't let others' words affect you deeply, it can be confusing and saddening to try to recall who you were 20 years ago.  Maybe you have just evolved into something different.

At the end of the day I feel myself and I are just plodding along the best we can and are happy with any positive results.

Does it really matter how you were or is it better to think of what you are becoming?

Just Beginning........Again

Attempting to create a new blog on my IPad has proved itself harder than on the standard computer! Am so frustrated need to take a "time out!" 

 The smallest of things can trigger the mood for the day.  It may seem petty to others but it can be a huge obstacle in your head for the whole day!  Explaining this to those around you on a regular basis feels vulnerable and somewhat impossible.  Then the anxiety is allowed to creep in until the problem is resolved.  Trouble being you don't want to bring up the bad from the beginning of the day at the end of the day.....

Calming ones self without a benzo for immediate relief  can be a huge new challenge.  I have just been given Vistaril for anxiety and have yet to feel any effect other than tiredness.  Letting go of my of my Xanax is like losing a best friend.  It makes me angry at the world that I can't stay on them long term.  I figure why else does the drug company make them?    Even though I am repeatedly told that long-term use is not a good thing.  I'm pissed at the events of the day and angry at those who are able to have a drink to relieve their tension.  I know this too shall pass but, meanwhile.......

Is trusting the professional in charge of your medication supposed to be this difficult or am I jaded?

Obsessive Thinking - Mind Over Matter?

Is there ever going to be a day that I won't be obsessing over something in my mind?  It doesn't matter if it's big or small it will go round and round my mind and continually come to the forefront.  Even the most trivial matter will turn into something that I continually think about and mostly with no resolve.  Is there such a thing as "peace" in the mind?  Does your brain ever stop talking?  I often wish I was the type of person that let things roll off my back.  I'm not!  Just one word or statement in a conversation will stay with me for days and days and I will replay that scenario until I hopefully come to some type of resolve.  This can be absolutely exhausting and cripple you from moving forward.

  If you don't have the type of mind that replays does that mean you are always at peace with yourself?  Just wondering.......